dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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