my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
