i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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