Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
