Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I look excited, but its just a facade.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
