i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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