2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
how can u be prego again
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
