i think my tv is drunk
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i dont even know how to be here
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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