Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
