so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
