so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
