If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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