if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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