just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
