i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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