I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
