My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
