I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
