its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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