My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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