Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
