So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
