If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
