i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
