dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
