I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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