i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
