if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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