Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
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