I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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