Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
