Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
