im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
