Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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