Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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