drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
