Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
