you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
