Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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