So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
