I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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