I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
