Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
