tell your sister to shave her snatch
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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