I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
