I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
