You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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