This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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