The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Holy sore nipples Batman
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
