My first STD was from a foam party
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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