The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
