I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize