It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize