I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize