Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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