Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize