omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
