some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
