I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
