I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
