I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
