He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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