We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
