We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
