id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
